on insincere and sincere apologies

As today’s candidate for a fringe membership in the “Gallery of Jerks,” consider the following character and see what you think.

He posted all sorts of nasty things about my first blog. A few weeks later, he sent an apology, saying that his degenerating personal life had put him in a nasty mood and that’s why he was acting the way he was.

I told him I was sorry about his personal life, but also pointed out that he was making a private apology after having not only made public negative comments, but having also strutted about triumphantly and encouraged his friends to do the same. In response to this point he hemmed and hawed about how as a blog newcomer I don’t really understand how comments work, but then did say that he’d try to change the public tone a bit. He then waited a week or so before finally saying on his blog that I’m not a bad guy even though “some people” think negative things A, B, and C about me. And now he’s testing the waters with remarks around the edge of the pond again.

This would fit the normal passive-aggressive sucker puncher profile (a very common type in our midst) except for the one surprising incident with the e-mail where he admitted what a mess his life had become. I originally typed “out-of-character incident,” but on closer reflection I think it’s not out of character. I think he sometimes acts almost randomly, in a wholly mood-driven way.

Apologies are actually a fairly easy business, yet they are so often botched. It’s a very basic and important life skill, because we are all capable of wronging people, and do so often enough. Here’s an unsystematic list of factors that I think play into a apology…

1. First, you have to decide either to apologize or not to apologize. Sometimes the best decision in a given case is not so clear; it might not be obvious to you whether you did something wrong. But if you do decide to apologize, just do it. Stay away from the deplorable middle ground of “I’m sorry that you took offense at my remarks”, etc.

2. The public/private difference matters a lot. If you insult somebody in public, you don’t necessarily need to grovel abjectly and apologize to them in public. That’s not necessary. All you need to do is give some positive airtime to the person in roughly the same public forum where the negativity occurred.

More generally, I think the apology is best if it’s only a prelude. It should be followed up by a positive offer of such a magnitude that it dwarfs whatever negative thing was previously done. Offer the person something tangible that no one could refuse. And make sure it’s something that you yourself do not control, because otherwise you’re still holding the strings, and that’s not fair.

For example, as a case study let’s say you’re in an ill humor and you say things about someone in person or in print that make them look stupid with a specific group. Later on you feel bad about it.

1. A private apology doesn’t make up for it.

2. A public apology isn’t necessarily important (though in some cases it might be essential).

3. If you decide to make up for it by saying a few good things about them in public, make sure that you’re talking about them and not about yourself. For instance, if it sounds like this: “In my opinion… I’m impressed by his… As far as I’m concerned, he’s…”, then you’re actually talking about your own opinions, putting yourself at the center of attention, and still holding the puppet strings. You’re still in control of the show, and that’s not an apology. That’s the basic idea: the only way to apologize to someone honestly is to give them the steering wheel for awhile.

In any case, it’s always best not just to mend rifts with people (because a stitched wound still isn’t as good as the original unwounded flesh), but to outgrow them completely. You need to follow up by having some sort of experience or interaction with the person that is somewhat novel or of a completely different magnitude of importance than whatever came before.

Better yet, you can give them something else by way of compensation (an opportunity that doesn’t involve you directly, perhaps) and then let them make the decision as to whether or not they want anything more to do with you. That’s a good way to empower somebody you’ve wronged.

But crying “sorry” in private and then gradually creeping back toward the original behavior in public is only going to earn even more ill will than you started with, because future apologies will obviously not be taken seriously.

On a related note, I’m not even sure why this guy is so bothered by me. Never seen him before in my life.

I was just going to add a couple of stellar case studies of botched apologies, but they have a peripheral involvement with workplace dynamics, so it may be a few years before I can go there on this blog, assuming this blog still exists by then.